Humor for the day

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please? ?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don' t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


DLZ

(clapping)  (clapping)  (lol)  (clapping)  (clapping) i wonder if that would actually work ???

(clapping) (clapping)That one's almost worth trying!! (clapping)

oh that is great!!!! It made my day!

Red  (thumbsup)

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Wyoming State Fair.  There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.  Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."  Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."  So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane."  Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down.  The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.  No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff."  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10.

two antennas get married. They had been dating a long time.  The wedding was a real drag, but the RECEPTION was amazing!

Good Jokes, you are all so funny hehehehe  (lol)

http://www.blakjak.demon.co.uk/epitfs.htm

actual tombstones

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona
    Here lies Lester Moore
    Four slugs from a .44
    No Les No More.

at my dad's funeral, he has instructions that the pall bearers wear umpire hats, and when they put down the casket, they all yell "he's OUT!"

attractive blond walks into a big new york city bank and asks to speak to a loan officer..
the vp of the bank personally takes her in
she explains that she would like to go to europe for a while and would like to take out a  90  day note for $15,000 for some"spending money"
the banker then asks if she has any colatoral...which she replys that she has a 2yr old rolls royce....
he asks how much is owed on it and she replies "well its paid for of course"
they proceed to the parking lot and sure enough....there it is  ...clear tiltle and all....
the banker quickly prepares her check, takes her title and tells her that she will have to leave the car as welll....to which she replies "of course"
3  months  later...she returns......pays 15,483.57 in cash and askes for her car.....which they assure her is sitting safley in the private bank parking lot
....as she was leaving the banker asks her why she needed to borrow money when she seemed so well off.....to which she replied...how else can you safley store a 2 yr old rolls royce in nyc for 3 months  for  $483.57????......( smart blonde joke )......jbarl

Pretty good. (clapping) (clapping)

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road,
and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd
planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women
had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and wereskinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're naked and we're not coming
out until you leave!" The old man frowned and yelled back, "I didn't
come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of
the pond."Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

excellent. ;D

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is   . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 18 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants