:'( :'( Boy, I am feeling really bad today and I feel like you guys are the only ones that I can talk to. I love my 12 year old daughter very much and she is our only child, but lately she has been driving me insane!!! I feel like all that we seem to these days is fight with each other over everything. This is her first year in junior high and I know things are changing for her in alot of ways, but she just seems to push all of my buttons. I end up saying things to her that I can not even believe that I am saying. This morning we had a big argument over something really stupid and next thing you know she is in tears, well she has her big TAKS test today and I feel like crap for sending her to school with that kind of start to her morning. I told her I loved her when I dropped her off at school but I am sitting here at work feeling really depressed. My husband says that I need to learn to "let things go" and not let her get me so worked up. I really feel that he is right, and I am going to try my hardest. Thanks for being my band of "shrinks" today and listening to my problems, I really needed to talk.
Anybody out there with a 12 year old daughter????
- Thread starter Simmymom1
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Hey I feel your pain there. My daughter (my only child) is ten. She lives with me full time and wears me thin sometimes. She is starting to get to the point where she is getting emotional at times. My hair is already grey, so I guess I will be bald before too long!
knabe
Well-known member
when my daughter turns eleven, she's going to the sale barn. just kidding. my sister and mother have that problem to this day. my mom can't see she's a dufuss, and my sister can't see she can't change. they pretty much only have chaperoned events now, ie, at family gatherings, never just the two of them. my parents are divorced, and in some respects, it seems like it was just yesterday.
my suggestion would be to focus only on her successes. she's identified with you up to this point and is trying to find her own idendity. they will almost go out of their way to be different from you, even if it's negative, which is sometimes the case as it's the polar opposite from you. she's looking for a reaction from you to VALIDATE that she is being different than you, and by rising to the occassion, you are validating her behavior.
this is probably one of those occassions where the less you do, the better it works. focus on the ratio of positive comments to negative ones. keep score of yourself and improve yourself. in my family, there is not one mother daughter relationship that is "healthy", even the grandmother, granddaughter ones are pretty annoying. happily, my daughter is so far everyone's favorite and it is mutual between them and her. in our family, the women have always been the more intelligent, driven, most responsible. i hope it keeps up.
don't go for that sting song free free free, set them free. i've finally figured that defeatist song out. i can't stand him now. think more along the lines of leaving on a good note no matter how small, just like you do with animals, though i'm not trying to use that as a metaphor.
when was the last time you said "honey, i'm so proud of you" and then just walk away. i bet if you had a video camera on her face when you turned around and walked away you would be impressed. she loves you, otherwise she wouldn't invest so much time in trying to piss you off, which is the opposite with animals.
breath deep, "honey, I am.......
my suggestion would be to focus only on her successes. she's identified with you up to this point and is trying to find her own idendity. they will almost go out of their way to be different from you, even if it's negative, which is sometimes the case as it's the polar opposite from you. she's looking for a reaction from you to VALIDATE that she is being different than you, and by rising to the occassion, you are validating her behavior.
this is probably one of those occassions where the less you do, the better it works. focus on the ratio of positive comments to negative ones. keep score of yourself and improve yourself. in my family, there is not one mother daughter relationship that is "healthy", even the grandmother, granddaughter ones are pretty annoying. happily, my daughter is so far everyone's favorite and it is mutual between them and her. in our family, the women have always been the more intelligent, driven, most responsible. i hope it keeps up.
don't go for that sting song free free free, set them free. i've finally figured that defeatist song out. i can't stand him now. think more along the lines of leaving on a good note no matter how small, just like you do with animals, though i'm not trying to use that as a metaphor.
when was the last time you said "honey, i'm so proud of you" and then just walk away. i bet if you had a video camera on her face when you turned around and walked away you would be impressed. she loves you, otherwise she wouldn't invest so much time in trying to piss you off, which is the opposite with animals.
breath deep, "honey, I am.......
fluffer
Well-known member
Simmymom,
Very sorry your having such a rough day. I feel for ya. I do not have a 12 yo daughter, I will in about 10 years. However, I was a 12yo daughter a few years ago and can see what your talking about! Don't beat yourself up! I am sure she will get through her day and her test just fine
I remember when I was that age, I would fly off the handle and start crying and I didn't even know why. Now I know it was just that darn puberty and hormone galore. I think that 11-13 age is the one age I would not want to be again. It is tough at that age. School is pretty rough on a kid at that age too.
But lets talk about you! 1st I would like to point out that I KNOW your a good mom. And I KNOW you love your daughter. I have never met you or her, but just by the things you have said here on steerplanet I have no doubt! 2nd, she is your only daughter and your worried she is going to get mad at you and hate you and then what. Don't worry about that, cause it will NEVER happen, again, because your a great mom! I don't know what types of things you fight about, but I would imagine, some of it would be just your daughter seeing where her boundaries are with you and your husband. Despite the fighting, kids need, and want to know where their boundaries are. They find comfort in that. It starts in infancy a baby on a strict routine is a happy baby because they know what is going to happen. The firmer and clearer your boundaries are the harder she will push to make sure they will stay there. Add in a little hormone to the mix and you got yourself a crying mad 12yo daughter. But like I said, I don't know what your fighting about so I could be a little off.
Either way- don't take your fighting and her crying to hard. As hard is that is for you to do! She probably went to school and forgot about it. But remember, do not reward her for the crying. That will just teach her how to manipulate you. (unless what you did was completely uncalled for- but I doubt that) My mom only apologized to me 1 time after a big blow up. I about fell out of my seat too! Looking back, she was usually right
Hang in there- and do something fun with your daughter that you both enjoy- wait a few days though, but it will make you feel better!
And do what knabe said
Good luck!
Fluffer
Very sorry your having such a rough day. I feel for ya. I do not have a 12 yo daughter, I will in about 10 years. However, I was a 12yo daughter a few years ago and can see what your talking about! Don't beat yourself up! I am sure she will get through her day and her test just fine
I remember when I was that age, I would fly off the handle and start crying and I didn't even know why. Now I know it was just that darn puberty and hormone galore. I think that 11-13 age is the one age I would not want to be again. It is tough at that age. School is pretty rough on a kid at that age too.But lets talk about you! 1st I would like to point out that I KNOW your a good mom. And I KNOW you love your daughter. I have never met you or her, but just by the things you have said here on steerplanet I have no doubt! 2nd, she is your only daughter and your worried she is going to get mad at you and hate you and then what. Don't worry about that, cause it will NEVER happen, again, because your a great mom! I don't know what types of things you fight about, but I would imagine, some of it would be just your daughter seeing where her boundaries are with you and your husband. Despite the fighting, kids need, and want to know where their boundaries are. They find comfort in that. It starts in infancy a baby on a strict routine is a happy baby because they know what is going to happen. The firmer and clearer your boundaries are the harder she will push to make sure they will stay there. Add in a little hormone to the mix and you got yourself a crying mad 12yo daughter. But like I said, I don't know what your fighting about so I could be a little off.
Either way- don't take your fighting and her crying to hard. As hard is that is for you to do! She probably went to school and forgot about it. But remember, do not reward her for the crying. That will just teach her how to manipulate you. (unless what you did was completely uncalled for- but I doubt that) My mom only apologized to me 1 time after a big blow up. I about fell out of my seat too! Looking back, she was usually right
Hang in there- and do something fun with your daughter that you both enjoy- wait a few days though, but it will make you feel better!
And do what knabe said
Good luck!
Fluffer
One of my mom's friends has like 6 kids and she said that every one of her kids told her they hated her at one point. She said thats how she knew she was doing a good job as a parent.
Remember, you are their parent, not their friend, i think it is really tough to be good at both. I never really started thinking of my dad as a friend until I was about 20 or so. The 20 years before that he was the biggest prick on the planet. But, I look back now and I'm glad he was that way. If you give your kid an easy life when they are young, they will not have easy life when they are an adult.
Remember, you are their parent, not their friend, i think it is really tough to be good at both. I never really started thinking of my dad as a friend until I was about 20 or so. The 20 years before that he was the biggest prick on the planet. But, I look back now and I'm glad he was that way. If you give your kid an easy life when they are young, they will not have easy life when they are an adult.
(angel) Knabe & Fluffer - your words of wisdom have given me hope and I know now I can at least make it through the day without wanting to cry. You both are so right over what she is trying to accomplish right now. I am going to start focusing on the "positive" and not so much on the "negative". I WILL tell her TODAY that I am proud of her and give her a big hug. I wish I could go to the school right now and hug her, that would make me feel so much better. I really think that it is more me than her that needs to step back and try and change my attitude. I have been a little stressed out lately and I think I am taking it out on her when she does something that I do not agree with. She is a wonderful child, very good to her friends, her teachers love her dearly and I am afraid the things that I am saying to her are going to change her in a negative way. I am going to start today and try and change the way I react to what she does to upset me, I know we are all capable of change and I am going to do it. I worry over her so much because girls at her age need to have good self esteem, I have seen on tv what happens when they don't think very highly of themselves and I do not want that to happen to her. I hope you all have a great day, you sure have made mine alot better. Lisa
Dusty said:
(angel) Thanks Dusty - there is a fine line between being a parent and being their friend, and yes, she has told me that she hates me sometimes in our arguments and that just makes me even more angry. But I am going to start to look at things more positive and see if that route takes us both to a "better" place in our relationship.
Simmon, she's now 12teen, it is tough on them with all the activities and such just bear with them and keep guiding them in the right direction and they will still love you. I get to give away my baby the 24th of May and she is the last of three girls. Look on the bright side she will turn out just like you they all do. roni
When my daughter first started talking (she just turned 18), she started calling my mother "memaw". We've always called our grandparents "grandma" so we didn't know where the "memaw" came from. One day when my family was gathered, I'm the oldest with two brothers, and we were doing our customary arguing, kidding, etc., we got to joking about our "mean mom" and how she was so strict on us growing up. It was then I realized that my daughter was calling my mother exactly what we joked about her being a "mean mom - memaw". I found a story about "How to be a Mean Mother" - you can probably imagine what is says. I'm still having those battles with my daughter - where are you going, who with, when will you be home, your curfew is.... I really don't have much advice to give you - other than stick to your guns discipline wise and let her know daily that you love her. From my experience - girls are a lot easier that boys. My son just turned 14 and if we make it through adulthood it will be a miracle for both of us. One more "I forgot" and I'm going to lose it. Good luck!
RSC
Well-known member
Dusty (lol) Somehow I feel my 9 year old son will have that mindset pretty shorty if he doesn't already. Thanks for the chuckle!Dusty said:
RSC
SKF
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I am so glad to hear I am not the only one with the same problem!!! I have an 12yr old to and its her first year in middle school and she drives me CRAZY!!!!! I don't know what happend to my sweet little girl. People keep telling me it will get it will get bette once she gets trough middle school so thats what I keep tellling myself so I don't kil her. The only thing we get along about is the cows. I am so thankfull she is involved in 4H and the cows. I guess the best thing is to look for the good things and just remember this is a stage that they will out grow and believe me it is hard to do when all they can do is roll their eyes over everything you say. Good Luck! <party>
SKF said:
:-\ Oh, the rolling of the eyes and then the "I hate you" that comes out of their "sweet" little mouth..... I am with you, I look at pictures of my daughter when she was younger and she was sooo sweet, I think they turn into hormone monsters!!
knabe
Well-known member
one thing i remember about 12 year old girls is hair pulling fights and what a crowd generator that was. i remember playing table top football and watching the girls fight, while we laughed. if you substituted the girls with roosters, the female crowd enthusiasm wouldn't have been that different. by 9th grade it was all over.
Bawndoh
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I was 12 eight years ago. It was probably the hardest time of my life. There are a lot of changes physically/mentally/emotionally when you are that age. You start "growing up" and really are defining what kind of a person you are going to be.
I remember...at least when I was 14-18 my parents "punished" me in the strangest ways. I never knew, til now, that their punishments were life lessons, and that the punishment never really felt like punishment!! If that makes sense. Since I was 5, I had chores to do, and animals to feed and care for. I had that responsibility, and that is most definately the best thing you can provide for a child. They need to know that they have to get something accomplished every day before they go to bed. My boyfriends sister is now 18. She does not do her laundry, she does not even put it away, she has never had a cat or dog to take care of, she doesnt cook ANYTHING, and she has probably never done the dishes in her life!!! She got a goldfish a few years ago, and does not even feed it, her mom does. I am so irritated at this girl cause really, what responsibilites does she have besides waking up every morning and making herself look pretty. Ha Ha. It is sickening. I was her age 3 years ago and I was a totally different individual. I would say the most important things you can teach/provide for your daughter is your undevided love and attention when needed, responsibilites that come before friends, family before friends, and some sort of structure to her life. All my life I had to ride the bus home after school, do my hour or two worth of chores, and THEN friend time came after. Often during holidays when the house is packed with family members, all a kid wants to do is go hang out with her friends. Teach her about the importance of family, and that they always come before anything else.
Whew...I could probably write a novel. My mom and I got really rocky, to be honest, when I turned 12. I was the typical teenager and loved and hated her at times. It is just as hard for your daughter as it is for you. She may never show it, but it is. Things never got back to normal til I moved out to go to College. It is good to get away from the ones you love for a while. It helps you appreciate them even more! Anyhow, feel free to ask any questions, as I was your daughter a VERY short time ago. lol. Good Luck, try not to let things get to you...they are ususally much less serious than you think. A year from now you will look back and laugh at some of the big disputes you had.
I remember...at least when I was 14-18 my parents "punished" me in the strangest ways. I never knew, til now, that their punishments were life lessons, and that the punishment never really felt like punishment!! If that makes sense. Since I was 5, I had chores to do, and animals to feed and care for. I had that responsibility, and that is most definately the best thing you can provide for a child. They need to know that they have to get something accomplished every day before they go to bed. My boyfriends sister is now 18. She does not do her laundry, she does not even put it away, she has never had a cat or dog to take care of, she doesnt cook ANYTHING, and she has probably never done the dishes in her life!!! She got a goldfish a few years ago, and does not even feed it, her mom does. I am so irritated at this girl cause really, what responsibilites does she have besides waking up every morning and making herself look pretty. Ha Ha. It is sickening. I was her age 3 years ago and I was a totally different individual. I would say the most important things you can teach/provide for your daughter is your undevided love and attention when needed, responsibilites that come before friends, family before friends, and some sort of structure to her life. All my life I had to ride the bus home after school, do my hour or two worth of chores, and THEN friend time came after. Often during holidays when the house is packed with family members, all a kid wants to do is go hang out with her friends. Teach her about the importance of family, and that they always come before anything else.
Whew...I could probably write a novel. My mom and I got really rocky, to be honest, when I turned 12. I was the typical teenager and loved and hated her at times. It is just as hard for your daughter as it is for you. She may never show it, but it is. Things never got back to normal til I moved out to go to College. It is good to get away from the ones you love for a while. It helps you appreciate them even more! Anyhow, feel free to ask any questions, as I was your daughter a VERY short time ago. lol. Good Luck, try not to let things get to you...they are ususally much less serious than you think. A year from now you will look back and laugh at some of the big disputes you had.
steermomintx
Well-known member
Oh my gosh your telling me it is not going to get any better!!!!! Ha Ha My son will turn 10 on Sunday he is a mess but I love him. I don't know how many times I have heard I forgot!! I am so glad the school year is almost over. He is horrible with homework specially since the time has changed and it is daylight longer. The other day I received an email from his teacher saying he is not getting his homework done so he will be doing it at school in a homework lab. I emailed back and said I know he is doing it because I help him every night and then I put it in the backpack (which I know he should be doing) . She says oh well he said he doesn't have time at home to get it done. Ok come to find out he is telling his teacher that so he can do his homework at school and not have to do it at home in the evening. He know has more time to mess around with the steers, play in the garden, help my husband feed cows etc. etc. I give him credit he is pretty smart!!!!!! BUT I told him it is not proper to lie and needless to say we are doing homework in the evenings again, but I told him school is almost over hang in there.SueBee said:
Hangin there everyone it tough being a parent. Honestly the hardest thing I have ever done by far and I know now what my parents meant by this hurts me more than you!!!!!!!!!
Another good one was whenever my dad and/or brothers got in a fight we would go outside afterward and we would each work on a seperate project(fixing something, building something etc.. After about 20 minutes one of us would be over telling the other one that whatever they were doing they weren't doing it right and the whole process would start over again. But, I look back now and wouldn't trade any of it for the world....RSC said:
Thanks to all for this thread, funny thing is I was going to start the exact same one this morning but thanks to my son not washing his hair like he was supposed to do last night we were late today. My daughter is turning 11 on Thursday and it is starting already. Great to hear I only have 3 years of this stuff. OMG. Please keep the ideas of how to get through it coming and the views from the child help too. Frostback.
SWMO
Well-known member
I'll weigh in on this one. Great club huh? The hormones are running rampent in my house also. Not only do I have a seventh grade 13 year old daughter I also have a 13 year old son. Yeah twins. Can't wait to get the girl through puberty so that I can immediately start on the boy. By the way did you know that we are now entering the stage that we know absolutely nothing and what we do know is absolutely wrong. I don't expect that to change until the kids are at least 25.
I have had some tough ones with my daughter mostly because she is just like I was at that age (and probably still am) tell her that she can't do something and she will darn sure try and prove you wrong.
Daughters also seem to get along better with the dads and the sons seem to get along better with the mom.
My biggest problem is the fighting and jealousness that persists in my household. And their have been times that I had really lost my temper and said things that I would give anything to take back but I have always ended any disagreement with I love you in spite of this. I finally had to sit both of them down and explain that things will never in their eyes be equal but that I will do the best that I can for both of them and that their needs are different so that they get different things at different times.
My daughter can strip the paint of a barn with her mouth. She will certainly always be able to stand up for herself but it makes for some hurtful times right now. Her favorite word is "WHATEVER" I finally had to tell her that I was going to jerk her tongue out of her head if I heard that comment again.
Keep your chin up simmimom1. Your daughter loves you and as long as she has friends that are headed in the right direction she'll turn out OK. That's why 4-H, FFA and showing livestock is so important. Most of the people that are involved have good morals and are responsible and many set the right example. Those that don't I try to use as an example of how not to go about accomplishing something.
Just remember that you are her parent not her best friend. I have had friends that tried to be their kids best friend and it has never seemed to turn out very well. I also have seen those parents that have said that they didn't want their kids to grow up having to work as hard as they did. Guess what those kids have never learned how to work and still sponge off of Mom and Dad as adults. Hard work never hurt anyone.
Just don't ask my kids. They think that all they do is work ;D
I have had some tough ones with my daughter mostly because she is just like I was at that age (and probably still am) tell her that she can't do something and she will darn sure try and prove you wrong.
Daughters also seem to get along better with the dads and the sons seem to get along better with the mom.
My biggest problem is the fighting and jealousness that persists in my household. And their have been times that I had really lost my temper and said things that I would give anything to take back but I have always ended any disagreement with I love you in spite of this. I finally had to sit both of them down and explain that things will never in their eyes be equal but that I will do the best that I can for both of them and that their needs are different so that they get different things at different times.
My daughter can strip the paint of a barn with her mouth. She will certainly always be able to stand up for herself but it makes for some hurtful times right now. Her favorite word is "WHATEVER" I finally had to tell her that I was going to jerk her tongue out of her head if I heard that comment again.
Keep your chin up simmimom1. Your daughter loves you and as long as she has friends that are headed in the right direction she'll turn out OK. That's why 4-H, FFA and showing livestock is so important. Most of the people that are involved have good morals and are responsible and many set the right example. Those that don't I try to use as an example of how not to go about accomplishing something.
Just remember that you are her parent not her best friend. I have had friends that tried to be their kids best friend and it has never seemed to turn out very well. I also have seen those parents that have said that they didn't want their kids to grow up having to work as hard as they did. Guess what those kids have never learned how to work and still sponge off of Mom and Dad as adults. Hard work never hurt anyone.
Just don't ask my kids. They think that all they do is work ;D
knabe
Well-known member
my mom used to tie me and my brother together when we fought. it only took two times to know not to fight around mom.
