By Request, the return of cattle buyer jokes

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cowz

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"thou shall not talk of pitful, irrelevant subjects?"      Yes, I know but we need to have some fun here sometimes, too! 

A cattle buyer was driving across a high bridge in Texas.  As he neared the middle of the bridge, he noticed a young man climb onto the railing getting ready to jump.
 
The cattle buyer screeched to a halt, rolled down his window and said,  "Hey buddy - Don't jump.  It can't be that bad."
The guy said, "Its that bad."

In the soothing tone he normally reserved for trying to buy yearlings for $5 under the market from grieving widows , the cattle buyer said, "Think of your wife and children."

The guy replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

"Well, then", said the cattle buyer, "Think about your poor mother and your dad."

Sobbing, the young man said, "Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm going to jump."
 
Desperate, the cattle buyer blurted out, "Well, think of the Alamo." 

The guy replied, ''What's the Alamo?''
 
"You dumb-ass Yankee," snorted the cattle buyer... "Go ahead and jump."

 

knabe

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this isn't cloning


The cattle buyer drove over 50,000 miles per year, but the only time he spent in cities was on the Interstate as he was passing through.  When his son was 6, his wife insisted they go to the "City" to do some Christmas shopping.  At a mall, the cattle buyer and his son were amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The little boy asked his father, "What is that, Dad?"

The cattle buyer, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I don't know what it is."

While they were watching, an old lady with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and small circles of light, with numbers, lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light-up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The cattle buyer said... "Son, go get your mother."
 

cowz

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Jed the cattle buyer was supposed to recieve some cattle in the country and he was running about an hour late.  Trying to make up some time, he had his Lincoln up to 110 when a policeman pulled him over.

The policeman said, "Sir, I clocked you at 109 MPH.  Is there an emergency?"

"No emergency, Officer,"  replied Jed.  "I was just going with the traffic."

Incredulous, the policeman said, "Sir, from right here, we can see over 2 miles down the road and there's not another car in sight."

"I know," said Jed... "I was trying to catch up."

 

rtnok

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  cattle buyer went to a west Texas to buy some cattle. The old rancher was bragging about his spread he told the cattle buyer that he could get into his pickup and  drive all day long and not reach a border fence. The cattle buyer then said yes ,I owned a pickup like that once.
 

common sense

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Man, I've got nothing.  My cows never share any of their funnies with me.  I am still laughing about the "Black and Gus" story though.  Keep it up Cowz, maybe you can do stand-up. (clapping)
 

garybob

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The buyers here are so behind-the-times, the Rhetorical Personalities depicted in these humorous passages would seem like intelligent, articulate, human beings,  when put side-by-side with one another.

No joke, we've got some real winners.

GaryBob
 

cowz

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A cattle buyer went into a jewelry store and bought an expensive locket as a Christmas present for his girlfriend. 
"Do you want her name engraved upon it ?" asked the jeweler. 

The cattle buyer thought for a moment and replied, "No name, but engrave ~To My One And Only Love~  on it.  Sooner or later, we'll break up and there's a good chance she'll be so mad that she will throw everything at me that I ever gave her.  And if she does, I can use it again."

 

cowz

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A police officer stopped a cattle buyer for speeding and asked to see his driver's license.

Indignantly, the cattle buyer replied, "You guys need to get your act together... Yesterday, you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you."

 

Doc

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cowz said:
A police officer stopped a cattle buyer for speeding and asked to see his driver's license.

Indignantly, the cattle buyer replied, "You guys need to get your act together... Yesterday, you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you."
That sounded like something Mike Dugdale would have told a cop back in his heyday.  ;D
 

knabe

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garybob said:
The buyers here are so behind-the-times, the Rhetorical Personalities depicted in these humorous passages would seem like intelligent, articulate, human beings,  when put side-by-side with one another.

No joke, we've got some real winners.

GaryBob

linebreeding?
 

cowz

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Doc said:
cowz said:
A police officer stopped a cattle buyer for speeding and asked to see his driver's license.

Indignantly, the cattle buyer replied, "You guys need to get your act together... Yesterday, you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you."
That sounded like something Mike Dugdale would have told a cop back in his heyday.  ;D

Or the late Mr. Stanley Stout.....of course he would be waving a big old cigar around! ;D  Ya know, I'm sure old Stanley is up there, griping about cattle prices and bossin the angels around!
 

red

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no, he's lining them up & putting everyone in their best sale order!

Red
 

cowz

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One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

 

cowz

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I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.


 

AAOK

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Two cattle buyers from Texas were on a trip to Central Oklahoma to look at a set of cows when they were pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick. The cattle buyer rolled down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the cattle buyer asked.

"You're in Oklahoma, " the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Oklahoma, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

The trooper ran a check on the license and the cattle buyer was clean, so he gave him his license back. The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other cattle buyer rolled down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the cattle buyer demanded.

"Making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the cattle buyer asked.

"I know you cattle buyer types," The trooper said.  "A hundred feet down the road, you're would've turned to your buddy and said... "I wish that SOB would've tried that on me!"
 

AAOK

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Late one Fall, a cattle buyer was taking delivery of 1,500 yearlings 180 miles away.  Because of the number of cattle and several sellers being involved, he took his secretary with him to help with the tallying and paperwork.  By the time they got the cattle weighed, loaded, and the trucks on the road, there were a few snowflakes in the air.

The cattle buyer and his secretary stopped at a restaurant to get something to eat and by the time they finished eating, a full fledged blizzard was underway.  They started for home, but only went about 20 miles before they came to a road block where the Highway Patrol was turning traffic around because the road was closed due to white-out conditions 50 miles down the road.

They went back to the only motel in town to get a couple of rooms but there was only one room left and it only had 1 bed.  They talked it over and decided they didn't have any choice but to share the room.  Later that evening, they went to bed and the secretary said, "I'm a little cold... Would you mind getting me an extra blanket?"

The cattle buyer thought a moment and then replied, "You know what... Since we're sleeping in the same bed tonight, maybe we ought to act like we're married."

With a twinkle in her eye, the secretary said, "That doesn't sound like too bad of an idea."

"O.K. then" replied the cattle buyer, "Get up and get your own blanket."
 

AAOK

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A cattle buyer was in Mexico looking for cattle and stopped at a cantina for refreshment and dinner.  While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the aroma was wonderful, so he asked the waiter, "What is that you just served that guy over there?" 
The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bullfight.… A delicacy!" 

The cattle buyer said, “Sounds good. Bring me an order!" 

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each day. If you come back tomorrow, we will save you this delicacy!" 

The cattle buyer returned the next evening and was served the delicacy of the day. After taking a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they're a lot smaller than the ones you served yesterday! Why is that?" 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor, sometimes the bull wins".

 

AAOK

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A guy was sitting at a bar visiting with the bartender... "Hey, I heard a good cattle buyer joke out at the sale barn." 
The bartender said, "Well, before you tell it, I want you to know that I used to be a cattle buyer. And those two big guys sitting next to you... They were linebackers on their college football teams and now they're both order buyers. Are you sure you really want to tell a cattle buyer joke?" 

The guy thought for a second and then said, "I guess not... I wouldn't want to have to explain it two or three times."


 
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