Joke of the day!

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cowz

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Jan 10, 2007
Messages
1,492
A lawyer was pheasant hunting and he shot and dropped a bird.  It fell into a cattle pasture on the other side of the fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly rancher drove up and asked the lawyer what he was doing. 
The lawyer responded, "What the Hell does it look like I'm doing?  I shot a pheasant and it fell in this pasture and now I'm going to retrieve it." 
The rancher replied, "I don't care for your attitude.  This is my property and I want you gone." 
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The rancher said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes around here.  We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule." 
The lawyer asked, "What's that?" 
The rancher replied, "Well, because the dispute occured on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." 
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
The old rancher slowly climbed out of his pickup and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the rancher's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. 
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." 
The rancher smiled and said, "Naw, I give up... You can have the pheasant."
 

cowz

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Joined
Jan 10, 2007
Messages
1,492
ESTATE PLANNING 101
> >When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
> >father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one
> >evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
> >woman he had ever seen.
> >Her natural beauty took his breath away.
> >"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
>
> >"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
> >million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening
> >and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
> > 
> > Moral of the story....think before you brag!
 

AAOK

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Joined
Jan 30, 2007
Messages
5,264
Location
Rogers, Ar
I urgently needed a few days off work  but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.  Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '...And where do you think you're going?!'


(You're gonna love this....)




She said, 'I'm going home too.  I can't work in the dark.
 

red

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Joined
Jan 20, 2007
Messages
7,850
Location
LaRue, Ohio
Blonde Riding a Horse
One day this blonde is riding a horse. As they are trotting along the blond decides she wants to go faster and do some tricks so she starts turning the horse around in a circle. All of a sudden she starts to slip so she grabs the horses mane. But even though she has hold of the mane she was still slipping. so she decided the best thing to do was to not fall off by putting her foot in the saddle. So she's riding along hanging from her foot, with her head banging on the ground, almost near death when the K Mart guy comes over and turns of the horse.
 

red

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Joined
Jan 20, 2007
Messages
7,850
Location
LaRue, Ohio
And of course we have to have a lawyer joke!

Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
 
Joined
Mar 20, 2007
Messages
8
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
 
Joined
Mar 20, 2007
Messages
8
In the interest of fairness....you know with the fairness doctrine floating around again and all....(Kind of off color I apologize in advance)

Cowboy and the rancher

A Cowboy said to a Rancher, ‘Is that your dog?’

The Rancher replied, ‘Yup.’

‘Mind if I talk to him?’

‘Don't you know dogs don't talk?’ The Cowboy replied,

‘So what's the harm? May I?’

‘Go right ahead.’

The Cowboy said to the dog, ‘Howdy!’

The dog replied, ‘Hello.’ The Rancher's eyes pop wide.

The Cowboy continued, ‘Is this your master?’

‘Yep, he sure is.’

‘Does he treat you alright?’

‘Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.’

Rancher was dumbfounded.

The Cowboy said to the Rancher, ‘Is that your horse over there?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you mind if I talk to him?’ The Rancher replied,

‘I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk.’

‘Well, then what would it hurt?’

‘Go right ahead.’

The Cowboy said to the horse, ‘Hello.’

The Horse replied, ‘Hello.’

The Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open.

The Cowboy asked, ‘Is that your owner?’

‘Yup, sure is.’

‘He treat you okay?’

‘Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements.’

‘Sounds good.’ The Cowboy then asked the Rancher, ‘Are those your sheep over there?’

The Rancher is horrified and stammers, ‘Them sheep out there, they're nothing but a bunch of liars!’
 

Cowboy

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Joined
Apr 13, 2007
Messages
692
Location
McCook Ne.
:eek:

I knew there must have been a reason I had decided NEVER to raise sheep --  ;D

Just figured it might have been for a different one hey??

hehehe

Back and Virus free -- at least for the time being!

Terry
 

AAOK

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Joined
Jan 30, 2007
Messages
5,264
Location
Rogers, Ar
>
>>Italian Golfer
>>
>>
>>
>>    An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
>>
>>    The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
>>    "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
>>
>>    I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy.  " I'm up well
>>
>>before daylight and out golfing, up and down the fairways.  Have a
>>glass
>>
>>of vino, and all is well."
>>
>>    "Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
>>    more to it than that.  How old was your Dad when he died?"
>>
>>    "Who said my Dad's dead?"
>>
>>    The doctor is amazed:  "You mean you're 80 years old and your
>>    Dad's still alive?  How old is he?"
>>
>>    "He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer.  "In fact, he
>>golfed
>>    with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a
>>  walk, that's why he's still alive ... He's Italian and he's a
>>golfer, too."
>>
>>    "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more
>> to  it than that.  How about your Dad's Dad?  How old was he when he
>>
>>died?"
>>
>>    "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
>>
>>    Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and
>>
>>your grandfather's still living???!  Incredible!  How old is he?"
>>
>>    "He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
>>
>>
>>
>>    The doctor is getting pretty frustrated at this point:  "So, I
>>
>>guess he went golfing with you this morning, too?"
>>
>>    "No.  Grandpa couldn't  go this morning because he's getting
>>
>>married today."
>>
>>    At this point the doctor is close to losing it.  "Getting
>>
>>married!!?  Why would a 118-year-old guy want  to get married?"
>>
>>    "Who said he wants to?"
 

shorthorns r us

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2007
Messages
900
New Dog Breeds

1 Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

2 Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier =
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

3 Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

4 Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog

5 Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

6 Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

7 Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

8 Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes

9 Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

10 Malamute + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

11 Collie + Malamute =
Commute, a dog that travels to work

12 Deerhound + Terrier =
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

13 Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller =
Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

14 Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
 

sawboss

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Joined
May 31, 2007
Messages
296
Location
Nacogdoches, TX
Texas rancher drives over to his neighbors' place and knocks on the door.  The door is opened by a 10 year old boy who greets the rancher.  The rancher inquires if the boy's father is home?  No sir he is in town picking up feed.  Is your Mother here?  No sir, she is in town with Daddy.  The rancher shifts from one foot to the other frustrated and tells the boy he needs to speak with his brother Bubba.  The little boy politely replies, he went to town with Mama and Daddy to help load the feed.  The rancher is really annoyed now and blurts out,  Bubba got my daughter Daisy Lou pregnant!  The little boy looks at the rancher for a second,  then responds " Well I know we get $100 on the bull, $50 on the the hog, but you will have to talk to Daddy I don't know what he charges for Bubba."
 
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