Joke of the Week
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AAOK
Well-known member
The Cattle are only a hobby for me. Here's one from the corporate world.
THREE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps
herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word,
Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking
for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets
to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the
next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything
about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
==========================================================
Lesson 2: A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The
nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest
apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and
seek - further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a profitable opportunity
===========================================================
Lesson 3: A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are walking
to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a
Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be
in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
==========================================================
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A
small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the
rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
==========================================================
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
=========================================================
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm
and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the
bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug
him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep crap, it's smart to keep your mouth shut.
Thus ends the 3-minute management course. Now go forth and
succeed!!!!!
THREE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps
herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word,
Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking
for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets
to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the
next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything
about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
==========================================================
Lesson 2: A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The
nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest
apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and
seek - further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a profitable opportunity
===========================================================
Lesson 3: A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are walking
to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a
Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be
in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
==========================================================
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A
small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the
rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
==========================================================
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullcrap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
=========================================================
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold
the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm
and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the
bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug
him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep crap, it's smart to keep your mouth shut.
Thus ends the 3-minute management course. Now go forth and
succeed!!!!!
red
Well-known member
AAOK, those were great!!!
Thanks for a good smile this cold morning!
Red
Thanks for a good smile this cold morning!
Red
ShowStopper
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2007
- Messages
- 91
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee she's fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the
line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
*Not meant to offend*
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee she's fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the
line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
*Not meant to offend*
Show Heifer
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2007
- Messages
- 2,221
A neighbor of mine went to Mexico and was eating breakfast in this quaint little place by his hotel. He kept smelling this WONDERFUL smell that got his mouth watering. He ask the waiter what smelled so good as he was walking by with a huge plate of food.
"There is a bull fight every morning. And this is the testicles."
My nighbor replied "Could I get some of those?"
The waiter replied "There is only one fight per day and the waiting list is long, as this is a delicacy. But since you are a visitor, I will put you in front. Come tomorrow."
My neighbor showed up bright and early the next morning with a huge appetite! He couldn't wait!!
Finally the waiter brought out a small saucer of food.
"What is this?" My neighbor ask, "What happened to the huge plate of food like there was yesterday?"
"Sometimes, the bull wins" Smiled the waiter.
Heard this and thought it was a laugh out loud joke!! Hope you all enjoyed!! (lol)
"There is a bull fight every morning. And this is the testicles."
My nighbor replied "Could I get some of those?"
The waiter replied "There is only one fight per day and the waiting list is long, as this is a delicacy. But since you are a visitor, I will put you in front. Come tomorrow."
My neighbor showed up bright and early the next morning with a huge appetite! He couldn't wait!!
Finally the waiter brought out a small saucer of food.
"What is this?" My neighbor ask, "What happened to the huge plate of food like there was yesterday?"
"Sometimes, the bull wins" Smiled the waiter.
Heard this and thought it was a laugh out loud joke!! Hope you all enjoyed!! (lol)
red
Well-known member
You were right SH, I laughed out loud! My hubby is starting to doubt my sanity when I'm sitting at the computer laughing at 5:30 in the morning! All of the jokes have been great!
Red
(lol)
Red
(lol)
red
Well-known member
What do you call a cow without legs?
Ground beef...
(clapping) (cow)
Ground beef...
(clapping) (cow)
red
Well-known member
Hi Hayman!
Thanks for the feedback. Hope you enjoy some of the new additions to the board.
Red (cow)
Thanks for the feedback. Hope you enjoy some of the new additions to the board.
Red (cow)
ShowStopper
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2007
- Messages
- 91
That's the reason
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. .
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for
state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.... (clapping)
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. .
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for
state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.... (clapping)
showcattlegal
Well-known member
I thought this was really funny when i got it in a email the other day. Sorry judges and steer jock i just had to post it.
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing
around the barn, near the livestock pens watching the lambs, goats, steers
and hogs wander aimlessly through the lush pastures of heaven.
"I am certainly bored," stated John.
"Me too," Paul chimed as Peter stood and watched the
animals.
"I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a Livestock show?"
Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail
that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.
The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer. "We will call up
Satan and invite him to our livestock show. I mean, we have all of the
finest show stock here in heaven; all of the Champions from Houston, Denver,
Louisville, Kansas City, and all those state fair champions are here as
well. His barn is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean, untamed,
unshowable stock. We are certain to win at the show!"
And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and
invited him to their 1st annual Livestock show. Satan laughed and asked
why
they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat
them.
>Peter, Paul, and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter
>asked. "We have all of the champions from all the majors, and all the state
>fairs. We have the finest lambs, pigs, goats, and steers that ever walked
>the earth. How could you possibly beat us?"
>
>Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon
>gentlemen? I have all the judges and the jocks!"
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing
around the barn, near the livestock pens watching the lambs, goats, steers
and hogs wander aimlessly through the lush pastures of heaven.
"I am certainly bored," stated John.
"Me too," Paul chimed as Peter stood and watched the
animals.
"I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a Livestock show?"
Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail
that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.
The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer. "We will call up
Satan and invite him to our livestock show. I mean, we have all of the
finest show stock here in heaven; all of the Champions from Houston, Denver,
Louisville, Kansas City, and all those state fair champions are here as
well. His barn is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean, untamed,
unshowable stock. We are certain to win at the show!"
And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and
invited him to their 1st annual Livestock show. Satan laughed and asked
why
they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat
them.
>Peter, Paul, and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter
>asked. "We have all of the champions from all the majors, and all the state
>fairs. We have the finest lambs, pigs, goats, and steers that ever walked
>the earth. How could you possibly beat us?"
>
>Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon
>gentlemen? I have all the judges and the jocks!"
red
Well-known member
(clapping) (lol)
Showcattlegirl, that was priceless!!
Red
Showcattlegirl, that was priceless!!
Red
angus2rite
Member
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2007
- Messages
- 24
showcattlegal---i just about spilled my drink all over the keyboard! That was great!
cowz
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2007
- Messages
- 1,492
(clapping) Showcattlegal....THAT WAS EXCELLENT!!!! I have seen that one before, but your version is absolutely the best!!!! Good one.
This leads one to ponder, will there be calves in heaven???
This leads one to ponder, will there be calves in heaven???
red
Well-known member
.
Red
I firmly believe that there will be the good (temperament) calves, dogs & even the occasional cat in heaven. Although I'm not too sure about King Killer Kittycowz said:
Red
red
Well-known member
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1.They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they
1.Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
(dog)
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1.They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they
1.Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
(dog)
AAOK
Well-known member
Subject: French Journalist
>Ted Nugent, Rock star and avid Bowhunter was being interviewed by a
>
>French journalist and the discussion came around to deer hunting.
>
>
>
>The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the
>
>head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or
>
>is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
>
>
>
>Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
>
>they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to
>
>screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very
>
>much like the French."
>Ted Nugent, Rock star and avid Bowhunter was being interviewed by a
>
>French journalist and the discussion came around to deer hunting.
>
>
>
>The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the
>
>head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or
>
>is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
>
>
>
>Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
>
>they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to
>
>screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very
>
>much like the French."
