Doc
Well-known member
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God, and I didn't.
________________________________________________________________
Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
________________________________________________________________
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
_______________________________________________
There are two times when a man doesn't understand woman: Before
marriage and after marriage.
_______________________________________________________
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they
arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and
car.
_______________________________________________________________
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced
three times."
_______________________________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
_____________________________________________________________
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the
same.
________________________________________
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check out
line pushing a cart piled high with groceries Imagine my delight when
the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and
asked sweetly.
"So which six items would you like
to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
_________________________________________________________________
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a
table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We
may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
_______________________________________________________
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
____________________________________________________________
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front
pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled
broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage,the bride gave him
back his credit card.
________________________________________________________________
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.
_________________________________________________________________
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?" Artie
said: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al
said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
_______________________________________________________________
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to
you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a
million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks,
"Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
____________________________________________________
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
_______________________________________________________________
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he
said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John
said, "I do!"
__________________________________________________
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "what's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning
me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The
man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what
should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "well, I spoke to your
wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three
hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"take the poison."
God, and I didn't.
________________________________________________________________
Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
________________________________________________________________
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
_______________________________________________
There are two times when a man doesn't understand woman: Before
marriage and after marriage.
_______________________________________________________
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they
arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and
car.
_______________________________________________________________
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced
three times."
_______________________________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
_____________________________________________________________
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the
same.
________________________________________
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check out
line pushing a cart piled high with groceries Imagine my delight when
the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and
asked sweetly.
"So which six items would you like
to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
_________________________________________________________________
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a
table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We
may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
_______________________________________________________
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
____________________________________________________________
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front
pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled
broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage,the bride gave him
back his credit card.
________________________________________________________________
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.
_________________________________________________________________
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?" Artie
said: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al
said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
_______________________________________________________________
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to
you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a
million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks,
"Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
____________________________________________________
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
_______________________________________________________________
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he
said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John
said, "I do!"
__________________________________________________
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "what's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning
me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The
man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what
should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "well, I spoke to your
wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three
hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"take the poison."
