During these tense moments of crisis, we all could use a little humor.
>> This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy
>> journal:
>>
>> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
>> make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later,
>> in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon,
>> a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at
>> one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy
>> explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
>> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but
>> I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
>> was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
>> 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!"
>>
>> I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
>> and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
>> which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
>> I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
>> it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands
>> of America's enemies.
>>
>> I spent the next several days productively sitting around
>> being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
>> began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions,
>> I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
>> chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
>> flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You
>> mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic
>> jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
>> unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
>> gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
>> about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
>> kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
>> just a hint of lemon.
>>
>> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
>> with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
>> 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This
>> is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
>> you may experience contact with the ground.
>>
>> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
>> graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
>> launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
>> you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
>> commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
>> much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
>> eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must
>> be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
>> MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
>> travel into the future and start eliminating food that you
>> have not even eaten yet.
>>
>> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
>> very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure,
>> but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
>> MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
>> Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
>> like that? Flowers would not be enough.
>>
>> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
>> understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
>> forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
>> colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
>> space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
>> hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
>> that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
>> than when you are actually naked.
>>
>> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
>> my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
>> was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also
>> told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
>> first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is,
>> but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
>> too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
>> around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
>> but to burn your house.
>>
>> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
>> procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
>> anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but
>> I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
>> seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
>> my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
>> something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
>> playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
>> 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
>> of all the songs that could be playing during this
>> particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
>> least appropriate.
>>
>> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
>> somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
>> was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
>> decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
>> am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
>> was like.
>>
>> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
>> moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat
>> of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in
>> the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
>> looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
>> excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
>> that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with
>> flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
>> organ.
>>
>>
>> On the subject of Colonoscopies...
>> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
>> exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the
>> following are actual comments made by his patients
>> (predominately male) while he was performing their
>> colonoscopies:
>> 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where
>> no man has gone before!
>>
>> 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
>>
>> 3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
>>
>> 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there
>> yet?"
>>
>> 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally
>> married."
>>
>> 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
>>
>> 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
>> out..."
>>
>> 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
>>
>> 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>>
>> 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my
>> dignity."
>>
>> 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't
>> you?"
>>
>> 12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
>>
>> And the best one of all....
>>
>> 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
>> head is not up there?"
