Funny for the Day

[6M Ranch]

The Zen of Sarcasm

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

 
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

 
03.  It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

 
10.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

 
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

 
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

 
18.  There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 
20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 
                                                AND 
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[linnettejane]

(clapping) (lol)

 

[linnettejane]

(email)

IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING :
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS




IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.




IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.




IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi




STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !

 

[CM Cattle]

(lol) (lol)

 

[clubcalve]

(lol)

 

[6M Ranch]

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience...and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 

[MYT Farms]

All very funny.  However, all is very true and applicable.

 

[Taverli]

I was laughing out loud!!!!  ;D