To quit, or not to quit; That's my question...

[Ohioteerchick]

I have been showing cattle for a good 8-10 years now, mainly on my own. My first 2-3 years, my parents still helped, I was still learning so of course they helped. For all the years after that, I was told by my dad, 'This is YOUR project, not ours. YOU can do it on your own' and have recieved very little help. My parents buy the calves, then I break, feed and work them all on my own. I get up, feed them, when I leave for school I tie them, get home from school, work them til atleast 8 at night. My mom is the only one that shows the slightest bit of interest in helping. My dad on the other hand, doesn't help, but finds the need to make trips to my steer barn, look at my calves and tell me, 'they look  really good' then right before he leaves again, comments on my calves but this time says 'they look awful, I don't know what you're doing but you're going to have to do 10 times better'. At first I thought he was just being hard on me just to get me to work harder, but I've noticed, it's not. When it comes to calves, I can't do anything right. Everything is terrible and wrong, but he doesn't want to help at all. Right before our county fair is when it gets the worst. This past year he told me, 'everything needs to look perfect, people out there know ME, NOT YOU', when I'm almost positive its equal, people know the both of us. And it's pratically impossible to meet his level of  'perfect'. What gets me the most is, he gets out at the fair, he gets around all his little friends and has the nerve to tell them how he worked all he could with my calves, and thats the best he could do with them. Only on a rare occasion will he actually tell someone that I do all the work. It really shows too, when he trys to play 'good dad' and help with the calves, they lock up, get scared and try their hardest to get away from him. Then he accuse me of not working with them, and tells me their crazy, but when I have them, I can walk them like a puppy. I've tried telling him, I want to do it on my own, but like I previously said, in his eyes, nothings right.

Yeah, I just majorly vented, but I have two more years of this left, is it really worth the fight? Or should I just give up. I love showing and all, but I'm not sure how much I can take of this.

 

[Ohioteerchick]

And might I add, this past year, I took care of 3 calves (1 steer, 2 feeders) all on my own. One of the feeders, wasn't even my project. And I worked hours with all three of them, and maybe a few times, my mom would help, but my dad had nothing to do with them, of course until fair day, and he 'did it all'. Not a once did I get a 'You did a good job, Kenz' from him.

 

[DLD]

Not quite sure what to say - I may think of something more to add later.  I'm not quite sure how (or if) you can change things with your dad, but my first thought is are you showing for him, or for yourself?  If you're only doing it because he wants you to, then quitting might be an option.  But if you love it, and want to do it for yourself, then I think you'll look back later on and regret it if you quit. 

I wish I had a better answer for you.  For us, it's a family project, every day.  If we didn't get something done right, I usually figure it's as much my fault as the kids - prob'ly more in fact, 'cause I'm the one that, more than anyone else, should've known better.

 

[jbzdad]

there is only one perfect father and It is none of us Men here on earth... don't give up on your Dad ... try to continue to love him even when he drives you nuts... some of us would love to have a daughter or son who was as passionate about something as you are....

keep your head up, you are doing the right thing... we are proud of you and your effort ... trust me, the people who care about you know who you are and the effort you put in..

sometimes we learn from a person how we don't want to do things... when you have kids you can think back on this lesson and try to be different

Hang in there ,Doc

 

[farmboy]

I love showing and all

Right there is the answer. I've  delt with the "it's you're project" thing for years until I couldn't do it anymore. At one point I had 4 feeders and a 1400lb steer to handle everyday and being a little kid at the time I just quit. Most people don't realize how lucky they are when they have a family involved in you're project. I don't think anybody has ever taken credit for my work though and if they did id be irate. The last steer I had get less than second in class was 2006 and that was when I actually tried to win. I know how it feels but if you really want to do it, just accept being on you're own and do what you can.

 

[DL]

I have been showing cattle for a good 8-10 years now, mainly on my own. My first 2-3 years, my parents still helped, I was still learning so of course they helped. For all the years after that, I was told by my dad, 'This is YOUR project, not ours. YOU can do it on your own' and have recieved very little help. My parents buy the calves, then I break, feed and work them all on my own. I get up, feed them, when I leave for school I tie them, get home from school, work them til atleast 8 at night. My mom is the only one that shows the slightest bit of interest in helping. My dad on the other hand, doesn't help, but finds the need to make trips to my steer barn, look at my calves and tell me, 'they look  really good' then right before he leaves again, comments on my calves but this time says 'they look awful, I don't know what you're doing but you're going to have to do 10 times better'. At first I thought he was just being hard on me just to get me to work harder, but I've noticed, it's not. When it comes to calves, I can't do anything right. Everything is terrible and wrong, but he doesn't want to help at all. Right before our county fair is when it gets the worst. This past year he told me, 'everything needs to look perfect, people out there know ME, NOT YOU', when I'm almost positive its equal, people know the both of us. And it's pratically impossible to meet his level of  'perfect'. What gets me the most is, he gets out at the fair, he gets around all his little friends and has the nerve to tell them how he worked all he could with my calves, and thats the best he could do with them. Only on a rare occasion will he actually tell someone that I do all the work. It really shows too, when he trys to play 'good dad' and help with the calves, they lock up, get scared and try their hardest to get away from him. Then he accuse me of not working with them, and tells me their crazy, but when I have them, I can walk them like a puppy. I've tried telling him, I want to do it on my own, but like I previously said, in his eyes, nothings right.

Yeah, I just majorly vented, but I have two more years of this left, is it really worth the fight? Or should I just give up. I love showing and all, but I'm not sure how much I can take of this.

You can't change your father - if he wants to be mean and miserable there is nothing you can do about it - that is his choice HOWEVER you have the ability to change what his attitude does to  you and how you respond

You need to come up with a response to him that is positive and not snotty - something like "I work really hard on these calves and I think they look great - I'm sorry you don't think so" or something like that. At the fair you should say something to him like "You do enough at home, I'll take it from here"

Work on being proud of what you do and not letting his attempt to belittle you and your efforts affect you and what you love to do (Yeah I know it ain't easy)

Work on and practice a few lines so that instead of getting mad you can say something that will make you feel better

"I'm sorry you don't think the calves look good, so and so is real happy with them and so am I"

"I wish you could appreciate how much they have improved as much as I can

"I have worked really hard with my calves this year - I wish you could see how much they have improved " etc etc

someone has to be the adult in this scenario and it appears it has to be you - keep the faith, don't let the negativity keep you from doing what you love.....

 

[easttex]

Stick with it if it what you LOVE to do!!!! Me as a father makes me think if I tell my girls enough how good of a job they do. Keep working hard and keep your head up and luck.

 

[SSIMMENTALS]

Keep at it if you love it!!! My dad isn't as bad as yours, but when I showed steers, he always thought I should do something different. Didn't really help with anything, just offered unconstructive criticism and a bad attitude. I found that he was worse with steers because we sold at the county fair. Really didn't give me trouble with the heifers or even the steers until right around the county fair. I think its a money thing with him, and your dad could be the same. I have gotten to where I just pay for everything and do the work on my own. Try to be respectful, he is your dad, but next time he has something smart to say remember who really has the knowledge of working with cattle, feeding cattle, and showing cattle. Chances are it's the one doing the feeding, working, and showing, so just try to not let him get to you. Best wishes <party>

 

[showemall]

Zack could not have put it better. You have to remember this is your life, not his, do what you love. If you like what your doing, than let it go in one ear and out the oter. You cant change him, but one day, you will know to support your kids, or children in your life, far better then he did you.

 

[farmboy]

One thing I forgot to mention is always remember you're not alone in this. My dad helped a little bit, not alot though as he always worked construction back then, still does, but I run things for the most part now. You've got steerplanet on your side and I can't even to begin to tell you how valuable that is. I joined in April 2007 when there were only 400 members here. I learned a he'll of a lot more on this website than any person or 4h advisor ever taught me and because of steerplanet I took a mediocre home raised calf and won reserve born n bred steer at the fair just 30 miles away from you. He didn't have a lick of hair but he was finished perfect and I showed my ass off. No one congratulated my dad because I was all over that steer at the fair and my dad at work. I've enjoyed a lot of success thanks to SP and my self. If you're needing an atta boy (girl), it's here for you. Post some pictures if you're wanting an honest opinion of what you got. Point is you're not alone and your dads opinion isn't the only one that matters. Yours matters more than anyone else's (except the judge). Don't let it bother you if you really like what you're doing and have the drive to continue on in the world.

 

[justintime]

Just remember there is no such thing as failure, until you stop trying. I can imagine how hard it is when all you hear is criticism, but as so many others have said previously, if this is something you love to do, you are going to have to prove him wrong. Try to find someone in your community that can support you even if it is just to talk with when you need someone to listen. And as Zach said, you have a big family of supporters on SP. The question of quitting or not quitting is a question only you can decide, but if this is something you love to do, I would urge you to keep up the faith and continue on. The day that you are on your own will come sooner than you think, and all the good things you did will be memories for life.

 

[knabe]

give him a break, he's not the judge.

at some point, we have to stop seeking other people's approval.

maybe he just learned a different way and it worked for him.

find something else to do with your dad that he's interested in.

 

[shortii]

If you love showing cattle, stay with it. I know how you feel, my dad has never said my cattle looked bad, but I don't get any help either. and every time I sell a calf he seems to be the one that decides what the calf is worth, he doesn't have a clue about show cattle. I do get mad with him at times but he is still my dad. I guess what im trying to say is keep your head up and the next time he says something mean come back with all of the good aspects of your cattle and why you think they look good. If your happy with how your calves look than that's all that matters. stick with it  <rock>   

 

[Ohioteerchick]

Sorry for taking so long to respond. I've been building fence and getting ready for the new bull this week.
Thanks for all the input everyone! Especially Zach.
I've decided to stick with it for my last 2 years, and I'll probably still show after my 4-H years are up.

I have talked to my dad about it, and we decided that since we're building a new show barn closer to our house, that the only way he's allowed to step foot around the calves, if he cooperates and doesn't extremely critize. He's also agreed to help out more if I need anything major.

 

[vc]

As a parent I know I some times expect more out of my kids, and as they got older I helped less and advised more (after 4 or 5 years they knew what needed to be done and how to do it), I would help with a rank calf or doctoring but the daily stuff was theirs. Not knowing your situation, I can only add some thing that might help you: The economy is tough and your dad may be going through a rough patch and he is taking it out on you with out realizing it. He may have a hard time telling you how he really feels, but if he is taking credit for your work then he must think you did a good job (nobody ever takes credit for bad work).
You have been in it for 10 years so what does that put you at 16-18, hard time for some kids and fathers, hang in there and do your thing. I do have a question for you, do you ask your father for advice as much as you did when you were younger, is he feeling left out now?
If you love it and our proud of what you do, you can't let other things stop you from doing it, life is full of those situations. You can keep going and try and make the situation better, or you can quit, quiting can become a bad habit, thou.
I never made my kids do sports or projects but if they joined a sport or started a project I did make them finish it.

 

[simmyman67]

Don't quit! You don't need to stop doing what you love because of somebody else.

 

[wyatt]

dont quit if you like to do it, ive faced this a few times one time my mom was telling me what to do and it made absolutely no sense and i told her that would be a waste of time and then she yelled at me and it went on and i told her i quite,( i honestly probably would have at that time sold everything) , but i then sucked it up a day later did what she said and she told me "whatd ya do that for now they cant get to the round bale" , then my dad gets home and fixes everything back the way it was (hes gone during the week so he cant really help alot but he does what he can) at the shows my parents do absolutely nothing unless i ask them to because they dont want to mess it up

its definitely more than just a cow its a way of life if you chose to quite then you can always start again when your older and out of ur parents house