Cattle Buyers - Encore

Help Support Steer Planet:

AAOK

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 30, 2007
Messages
5,264
Location
Rogers, Ar
Last fall, the cattle buyer spent several weeks in the same motel while he was buying cattle.  The last week he was there, he managed to have an affair with the owners' daughter.  A year later, hoping to pick up where he'd left off, he returned to the same motel.  When he entered the lobby, there sat the girl with an infant on her lap. 
"Hello, Jack...  Would you like to meet your son?" she said. 

Flabbergasted, the cattle buyer said, "Why didn't you let me know?"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a cattle buyer."


 

AAOK

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 30, 2007
Messages
5,264
Location
Rogers, Ar

The cattle buyer was in a big financial trouble...  He had bought and contracted several thousand head of cattle thinking the market was headed up, and instead, it nosedived.  It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.  As a last resort, he went to see a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. 
When he finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do... Put a beach chair and a Bible in your car and drive up in the mountains to the lake. Take the chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible... The wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer... That will tell you what to do." 

A year later the cattle buyer was back to see the priest. The cattle buyer was driving a new Lincoln and wearing a pair of high-dollar boots and an expensive felt hat. The cattle buyer pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for the advice. 

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. 

"Absolutely," replied the cattle buyer. 

"You went to the lake?" 

"Absolutely." 

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?" 

"Absolutely." 

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" 

"Absolutely." 

"And what were the first words you saw?" 

"Chapter 11."
 

AAOK

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 30, 2007
Messages
5,264
Location
Rogers, Ar

Two cattle buyers are out in the woods hunting deer when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other cattle buyer whips out his cell phone and calls 911. 
He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead!  What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy… I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead.” 
There is silence... then a shot is heard. The cattle buyer says, “OK, now what?”
 

Rocky Hill Simmental

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 22, 2007
Messages
397
Location
Missouri
Everyday a goat buyer, a horse buyer, and a cattle buyer would met on the cat walk at their local sale barn to eat lunch and talk.

One day the goat buyer opened his lunch box. He had egg salad. "I hate egg salad!" he complained, "If I have I get egg salad for lunch one more day then I'm going to jump off this cat walk!"

Next the horse buyer opened his lunch box. "Dang it," he hollers, "Peanut butter and jelly again! If I open my lunch box and find another peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I too will jump off this cat walk."

Finally, the cattle buyer opened his lunch box and had bologna. "I'm sick of bologna," he complains, "If I get bologna again, I will also jump to my death!"

The next day, the goat buyer got egg salad again. He jumped from the high cat walk and was run over my the spooked livestock below. The horse buyer once again gets his usual peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and jumps to his death. The cattle buyer finds he has yet another balogna sandwhich and falls to his death as well.

At the funeral all their wives were crying together.

"If only I would have known he didn't want egg salad!" cries the wife of the goat buyer, "he would still be alive!"

"I didn't know he hated peanut butter and jelly so much," screams the crying wife of the goat buyer, "If I would have made him something else he would still be with me!"

The wife of the goat buyer and horse buyer stop crying for a second and look at the wife of the cattle buyer. "Don't look at me," she says, "My husband makes his own lunch."

Bad, I know, but still kind of funny, I guess.  :eek:
 
Top