Funny for the day!

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red

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Jan 20, 2007
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7,850
Location
LaRue, Ohio
An older couple went to their local fast food restaurant where they bought a hamburger combo meal. After taking the food to a table they began splitting the burger in 1/2 & dividing the fries evenly. A man was watching this & thought to himself that maybe they couldn't afford more than 1 meal. He decided to approach the older couple & offered to buy them another meal. The husband said "no, we share everything". The man went back to his table & still watching them asked them one more time about another meal. He was politely told "no, we share everything". Finally the man noticed that while the older man ate his wife just sat there not eating. Once more the man approached & offered again. This time the wife replied " no, we share everything & right now he is wearing our dentures!"

Red  (lol)
 

SouthWest

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Joined
Aug 18, 2008
Messages
195
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve
me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me
and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet
and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
The wife replied, 'The freakin' funeral director would be my first guess..'
 

linnettejane

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Joined
Mar 6, 2008
Messages
2,233
Location
eastern ky
along those same lines....

Subject: "and that's when the fight started"

> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
> were in bed.

> I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

> "No," she answered.

> I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even

> look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

> **And that's when the fight started....**

> ************************************************************************

> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

**And that's when the fight**

> ** started....***

> ************************************************************************

> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
> grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up
> the boat up to the truck,and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> downpour.

> The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
> on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
> bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
> and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

> My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
> husband is out fishing in that?'

> **And that's when the fight started ...***
> ** **
> *
> *********************************************************************

> A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at
> 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

> The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
> 'Holy cow. That must be my husband!'

> So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked and jumped out the
> window.

> He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his
> car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
> screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!

> The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

> **And that's when the fight started.....***


> ************************************************************************

> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

> **And that's when the fight started....***

> ************************************************************************
>
> A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was
> not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
> compliment.'

> The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's dang near perfect.'

> **And that's when the fight started.....***
> ** **
> *************************************************************************

> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
> order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

> Nah, she can order for herself."

> **And that's when the fight started...***
> ** **
> *
> ************************************************************************

> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
> I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
> at a nearby table.

> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
> drinking

> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
> been sober since.'

> 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?'

> **And that's when the fight started... ***
> ** **
> *
> *************************************************************************************
> After retiring, I went to apply for Social Security. The woman
> behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
> told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt
> revealing my curly silver hair.

> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
> and she processed my Social Security application.

> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
> the Social Security office.

> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
> gotten disability, too.'

> **And that's when the fight started...***
> *

> *************************************************************************************
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
> someplace expensive...

> so, I took her to a gas station.

> **And that's when the fight started...***
> *

> *************************************************************************************
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds.'

> I bought her a scale.

> **And that's when the fight started...***
> *

> *************************************************************************************
> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, 'What's on TV?'

> I said, 'Dust.'

> **And that's when the fight started...**


 

SouthWest

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Joined
Aug 18, 2008
Messages
195
The Lord and the Harley Rider

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
 

ROAD WARRIOR

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Joined
Jun 9, 2007
Messages
1,865
Location
Iowa
SouthWest said:
The Lord and the Harley Rider

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

All I can say is AMEN! RW
 

SouthWest

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Joined
Aug 18, 2008
Messages
195
PSALM 2008-2012
 
FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT
 
 
OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD,
 
I SHALL NOT WANT.
 
 
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
 
 
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
 
 
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
 
 
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGHT THE VALLEY OF THE  BREAD LINE,
 
I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.
 
 
OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
 
 
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
 
 
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
 
 
THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER
 
IN A  RENTED HOME.
 
 
BUT  I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,
 
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
 
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
 
AND OBAMA  A TREE.
 
 

cowz

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Joined
Jan 10, 2007
Messages
1,492
You can expect phone calls from Nancy Pelosi and the ACLU in about 2 hours from now....ouch.
 

SouthWest

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Joined
Aug 18, 2008
Messages
195
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan ,

I told them I was suicidal.





They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
 

SouthWest

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Joined
Aug 18, 2008
Messages
195
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO

Paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where Skillful hands would be beneficial; 

he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, 

attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist 

prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous  skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had 

obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to 

appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if

there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart 

perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also

worth           


50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because 

you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my 

entire career"

 

SouthWest

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 18, 2008
Messages
195
Mexican  words of the day.......................

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the  word cheese in a sentence.  Pepito  replies:  Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
 
2. *Mushroom*
When all my  family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
 
3.  *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I  shoulder.

4.  * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.  I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to  tha store and July to me!  Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars  but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store  with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only  have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken*  *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11.  *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her  honey  harassment  nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had  to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but  no body wash my kids.
 
14. *Budweiser*
That women over  there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
 

CM Cattle

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 28, 2008
Messages
794
Location
Central Kentucky
SouthWest said:
The Lord and the Harley Rider

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
(lol) (lol) (lol)
 

linnettejane

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2008
Messages
2,233
Location
eastern ky
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he
points out the location.
 
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. 

Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand?'


The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.  A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's  prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get
"horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....  'Your badge! Show him your badge!' 

 

red

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 20, 2007
Messages
7,850
Location
LaRue, Ohio
(lol) that was a good one LJ!

This is from Jill, i don't think it's too naughty.  ::)

He said to me . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.  I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?  I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?  I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?  I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . . Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.














 
 

 

Doc

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Joined
Apr 13, 2007
Messages
3,636
Location
Cottontown, Tennessee
SouthWest said:
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan ,

I told them I was suicidal.





They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Hilarious!!!! But unfortunately could come true some day.
 

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